Divorce in a family can be traumatic for teen children, perhaps even more so than for younger children in some ways. The best thing a parent can do for their teens is to understand how the divorce is making them feel. Their emotions are reaching new heights and depths, and their security can be somewhat tenuous. They feel loyalty more fiercely than ever in their lives and their perceptions are far more egocentric. A teen can often blame himself just as a younger child can, but because a teenager naturally has more conflict with the parents due to the natural progression of growing up, he can internalise the situation more deeply and suffer unnecessary guilt.  

In adolescence a teen is just learning to deal with the prospect of independence.  He can go from fierce independence to needy dependency in mere moments.  While he yearns to be free he does so from the security of the home he has always known. Divorce takes that away from him, and can cause either premature independence or prolonged dependence. 

A son, due to the natural conflicts that occur between a boy and his father, can be moved to protect his mother when he sees her suffering. There is a real possibility that the relationship between the father and son can be damaged irreparably if the issues are not addressed. The same thing can happen when a girl feels compelled to side with her father because she idolises him and cannot believe that he has done anything to warrant the divorce.  Sons can also side with fathers in some cases, or daughters with mothers, and could develop a prejudice, conscious or otherwise, against the opposite sex.

It's best for a family to get counseling when divorce is in the works. Teens need a place to express their worries and concerns without reprisal, and to receive the reassurances they must have in order to cope with their changing lives. They need to know that they are still loved and they need the freedom to express their love for each parent without feeling they are being disloyal to the other. Many times the courts will require counseling or divorce classes, but even if not, parents need to consider it to make sure that the divorce doesn't cause damage to their teens.

Let your teen talk about his feelings when he is willing to share. Be sure he understands that he is free to be honest with you.  Listen without interrupting, and validate his concerns, reassuring him that you hear what he is saying.  It's sometimes hard for parents to do this when going through an emotional event such as divorce, but their priority must be for their children, who are getting swept along with the tidal wave.

Parents who want to make the divorce as easy as possible for their children can help by maintaining as much of the familiar routine as possible. Visitations should be encouraged and time spent one on one must continue. If the teenager's environment is kept as stable as possible then it will be far easier to cope than if it becomes a chaos no one can escape. Take time to show teens that they are important to you and that you understand their feelings. In the long run, the self-discipline it takes to do this can benefit the parents as well, teaching them valuable lessons in how to cope.

by Rachel Goodchild

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