First, deal with your own reaction.  When dealing with an errant teen, try to stay as calm as possible.  Understanding in advance that your teen will have moments like this can give you the perspective you need to consider fair consequences.  They must be consistent.  If a teen is punished for a certain offense one time, and you let it slide the next, your teen will not learn from his mistakes.  Refrain from humiliation when deciding consequences.  It's our job to guide our teens and help them to make better decisions for themselves.  If we are merely harsh with them, they will gain little from the experience other than resentment toward us and all authority.  They have a keen sense of fairness, and we must treat them with basic respect.  They know they deserve punishment when they have erred, and if it is fair, they will learn something useful and positive about decision making.

Establish clear-cut rules and be sure your teen understands exactly what is expected of him.  Discuss 'gray areas' and tell your teen that you expect him to honor your rules and not to try to find loopholes.  Be sure your teen understands when he must be back home, who he may or may not hang out with, and what your dress requirements are.

Consequences for rule infractions should be immediate.  Removing something that is far into the future is useless, such as a special vacation or a driver's license that isn't even available for another six months.  The lesson will not be learned if their immediate freedom is not challenged.

Try as best you can to make the punishment fit the crime.  If your teen comes in late, then determine how late he is and restrict him to coming in that much earlier for a week or two.  He will understand the fairness yet he will pay consequences by having to come in even earlier than usual.  If your teen is neglecting homework, make a requirement that he tackle it immediately after school, before he can talk on the telephone or play video games.  In this instance he will learn an organising skill that will teach him to set his priorities properly.

Your teen will count on you to be rational when he has gone astray.  Give the issue of discipline a lot of careful thought before consequences are ever needed and you will have the perspective to deal with your teen fairly and without an unhelpful explosion of anger.

by Rachel  Goodchild

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