Teenagers are very emotional and often dramatic individuals. They are also exceptionally possessive about what is theirs and lack the patience and understanding that younger siblings often require. So, how do you find a good balance while ensuring fairness while helping your teenager understand and deal with younger siblings? 

It's natural for kids to argue, and as the age gap grows wider there seem to be all the more reasons to do so.  Sibling rivalry happens in many families and is usually nothing to be concerned about.  With teenagers, since their emotions tend to run high, any little thing can set them off and a younger sibling simply touching something of theirs or entering their room without permission can be enough to start a war.  Here are a variety of simple and effective strategies to help your teenager deal with younger siblings in a positive way.

First, it's important that we understand how the teenager feels and why the rivalry may occur in the first place.  Despite the fact that they are older doesn't mean that they aren't jealous of the attention the younger sibling may receive from you and others.  It's common for teenagers to feel as though the parent will automatically side with the younger child because, quite simply, they are younger.  With this in mind, it's important to be fair and treat all of your children equally while doing your best to balance your time and efforts between them.  Remember, that even though you may feel they are old enough to understand the family dynamics, they are still children. Teenagers still require the same reassurance and to be confident that their needs are being met and that they are given the attention they deserve.

You may need to teach your teenager how to control their anger or anxieties and make it clear that they will not tolerate harmful behaviour, and then firmly stand by the resolution.  Depending on the age gap between your teenager and their younger sibling, you may need to be firm in setting boundaries and guidelines.

Do not force your teenager to give something that is theirs to the younger sibling in any instance, and avoid creating any form of competition between children, whether it be for your time or attention. Understand that treating your children fairly is not the same as treating them equally as with different ages will come different responsibilities - as well as different advantages such as staying up later or being able to do different things that the younger sibling cannot do. You need to take this into consideration and be fair in your decisions.

A good way to encourage peacefulness between your teenager and their younger sibling is to teach them how to deal with their emotions constructively. Learning how to balance their feelings will help them build a relationship with their sibling early on and will help them deal with anger and frustration in other situations that they will encounter in life.

Allow your teenager to voice their concerns and feelings whether they be disappointment, anger, frustration or jealousy.  It is important to listen attentively and to be patient and understanding when they express themselves and open up to you.  If you are an older sibling yourself, show them that you can relate and share your own stories with them about your own childhood and how you dealt with the age difference.

Spend some quality time with your teenager, just the two of you.  Take them shopping or perhaps to a movie, and do something together that you both enjoy.  This way, you can give them your full attention and as well as get to know what is going on in their life.  Putting in the effort to focus on just them for a period of time will show your teen that you enjoy being with them and will help encourage a better family life at home.

You can also try to create a relationship between your teenager and their sibling by asking them for help with certain responsibilities geared towards the family.  Then, when they have completed the task such as feeding the baby, or helping you make dinner for the family, appreciate their efforts and show them how you can work together, as a team and how they are an important part of the family.

By having your teenager participate in activities with you, as an equal, you are helping them develop a parental outlook, rather than a competitive one.  Have your teenager read a book, play a game and just spend time with their younger sibling in a fun and enjoyable way.  Be sure to do this properly however and not force your teenager to take on too much responsibility or they will be resentful. Instead, reward them for their efforts and show them how their younger sibling can look up to them, as a role model and a mentor.

Teaching your children to value each other and co-operate while successfully working out their differences will have an everlasting positive effect on their relationship in the future.

by Rachel Goodchild

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