Michael Ungar has recently written a book called ‘Too Safe For Their Own Good’  in which he helps concerned parents set appropriate limits and provides suggestions for allowing children the chance to experience the rites of passage that will see them grow into competent adults.

What inspired you to write your book?
I had been seeing more and more young people come into counseling with dangerous and delinquent behaviours which seemed odd given they came from very safe and secure families. These weren't the typical youth-at-risk whom we think about when we imagine kids getting into trouble. Many of these middle-class youth talked about "being my parents' project" and desperate for opportunities to grow up and have reasonable amounts of risk and responsibility. I was also doing research internationally regarding what makes it possible for kids to survive great adversity, and strangely, what those children were telling me was helpful (like age appropriate challenges and rites of passage) were becoming scarce resources in families in my own community where parents didn't let their children walk to school, climb a tree or make any decisions for themselves, much less have any real responsibility for others.

Why do you think parents and teenagers have such a hard time communicating with each other?
I think parents are well-meaning. Really! But I think it is our own risk aversion that we lay on our children just at the time when, developmentally, our kids need to be heard when they tell the adults in their lives that they need challenge. Parents can misunderstand the difference between coaching, or guiding their children, and emotionally controlling behaviour. While all kids want and need some limits, they also need to hear "YES" and be given opportunities to grow up that make sense to them. I encourage parents to provide structure, but also to provide chances for their children of all ages to negotiate for what is meaningful to the kids. A four-year-old can make decisions about clothing, a 14-year-old can decide bedtimes. That kind of thing.

What do you think is the best way to tackle this breakdown?
I invite parents to remember what it was like when they were the same age as their child and to recall how competent they felt at the time.

The more we show compassion for our child's developmental needs, the more likely we are to find safe and satisfying substitutes that meet their needs for growth without tumbling them into unnecessary danger. Some risk and responsibility is necessary. It's what I call in Too Safe for Their Own Good the "risk-taker's advantage."

In New Zealand binge drinking is considered a huge social problem for teens – would you say this is a serious issue or a rite of passage?
It is a serious issue, and a very poor way a child transitions into adulthood. But the onus is on us adults to offer our teens another rite of passage that is just as powerful! That's the trouble. Our kids need recognition from others for these rites of passage. What else can they do to prove they have control over their bodies and the respect of others? Music? Travel? Operating machinery? A job? Their own money?

There may be lots of possibilities, but in the end, it depends on what one's culture says is valuable.
What do you think makes teens turn to rebellious behaviour?
I think we naturally try to assert our skills to think through problems for ourselves. The truth is most teens aren't rebellious. But they do negotiate for what they need and want more forcefully and sometimes a bit clumsily as they get older. This can feel like rebellion to parents who have set strict rules and are not comfortable with their children becoming adults. Isn't our role, though, as adults, to prepare our children to be adults and to coach them into the problem solving skills they'll need to be competent, caring, contributors to their communities and families. That should be our focus, and not solely on control.

What sorts of benefits can teenagers get from parents loosening the reigns a little?
It's not about loosening the reigns, as much as it is about saying "Yes" to the important experiences teens need to grow up well. It's about helping teens find a way to be older and take on the responsibilities of adulthood. Raising teens is still hands on parenting, but it isn't emotionally controlling parenting. It's about teaching and guiding children into adulthood. Manageable amounts of risk and responsibility are necessarily part of that transition.


With thanks to Michael Ungar, PhD

Michael Ungars book ‘Too Safe For Their Own Good’ is available now from all good booksellers.
RRP: $29.99
Published by: Allen and Unwin

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