We must remember that relationships consist of two people, and the needs of both must always be taken into consideration. Withholding sex as a bargaining tool has been done throughout history. Lysistrata in ancient Greece influenced the women around her to turn their men away when they wanted sex, promising the men it would be returned if the men would end the Peloponnesian War and establish peace. It worked. The men ended the war and the women resumed having sex with their men.

You are tired from a full and tiring day where you feel you are carrying the larger load of responsibilities, particularly if you are working outside the home and must come home to all the domestic chores yourself. You want your partner to take on some of the household chores and he is balking. If you are too tired for sex, are you guilty of using sex as a bargaining tool? Probably not. Honest exhaustion is not an excuse, it's a reason. Asking for reasonable help from him so that you won't be so tired is understandable. What is not fair is using sex to get your partner to assume a lion's share of the chores. Partnerships with integrity do not operate that way.

You have had a fight with your husband. Your feelings are hurt and you are still smarting from things he has said. When the heat dies down your husband approaches you for sex but you are in no mood to be intimate. Are you justified or are you using sex to elicit the exact response from the fight that you want? It depends. If the hurtful issues are not already resolved, then your vulnerability is at an all-time high and you are feeling unloved. Just having sex won't restore that loving feeling and if you do have sex you are likely to feel used since you are not at that time able to participate emotionally. This can make some problems worse. However, if you understand that his desire for sex is his non-verbal way of trying to get things back to normal, consider participating but ask for a time in the near future when you can talk about issues that having sex will not solve. Understand yourself and try very hard to understand your partner.

It's asking too much for a woman (or even a man) to offer sex when they feel coerced or manipulated into it. There must be trust in the relationship. Sometimes if feelings are ruffled, the intimacy of sex can actually soothe the hurts. Both partners must have respect for each other and for their feelings and sensitivities, and honour them. Once sex is used for manipulation, trust is broken and suspicion and resentment take its place. Never bargain with sex to get your way. There is no room in a relationship for a selfish partner. Give when you can, and ask for understanding if you need time to work through your emotions.

Article by Ruby Rhodes

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