A friend once described her bad relationship like binging on junk food, she knew it was bad for her and that she’d feel sick every single time she went back (and there were many times), but she just couldn’t help herself. Despite her best intentions and knowing better, this gorgeous, intelligent fun gal just couldn’t get enough and the more he jerked around the harder she’d fall. She’s not alone, most of us have at least one friend who’s in one of ‘those’ relationships or have had the pleasure of experiencing it first hand so what is it about bad relationships that reel us in hook, line and sinker and when should you pull the plug?

If a guy spent the first date criticizing everything about you; from your weight, looks to how you dress, flirting with other girls, and picking fights over nothing at all chances are that no matter how hot he was, the first date would be his last. After all, what sane woman would want to pursue a relationship like that? If only the warning signs were that obvious early on we’d all be saved a lot of tears, heartache, regret and countless sob sessions over bottles of bubbly with the girls trying to work out what went wrong and how to fix it. Unfortunately things aren’t that simple and even the worst relationships don’t often start out that way. Rewind to those first couple of months and you’d find that most relationships start out the same way; an intoxicating mix of neurotransmitters and hormones, with both parties on their best behavior, bending over backwards to make the other person happy.  When you’re in the infatuation stage, nothing is too much trouble, the sex is great and you just can’t get enough of each other and by the time the cracks have had time to appear you’re already hooked.

The longer you stay in a toxic relationship and the more time and energy you invest in fixing it the harder it is to break the ties and move on, especially if your self esteem has taken a tumble, you’ve lost confidence or you blame yourself for things going wrong. When it comes to relationships most of us think with our hearts rather than our heads and make emotional decisions about our future, at times ignoring the obvious in favour of our romantic ideal of how things could be if only we were more tolerant, domesticated, attractive, thin (insert your own ‘if only’ here). 

All relationships have their ups and their downs and sometimes even the happiest couples experience a bad period, but good relationships are based around trust, honesty, understanding, open lines of communication and a willingness to comprise whilst bad relationships thrive on criticism, abuse and neglect. It’s easy to live in denial when things start going wrong or to think that you’re just going through a bad patch, so how do you spot a bad relationship? Here are some of the warning signs:

• You’re partner is abusive, either physically, emotionally, verbally or financially, using abuse as a form of control.
• They make you feel responsible for their happiness, blaming you for any issues in the relationship.
• They threaten themselves, you or the relationship using emotional blackmail to get what they want.
• They constantly criticize and belittle you and put you down and it seems that you can do no right.
• They put you down, emphasizing your weaknesses.
• You bend over backwards to make them happy but they never are and nothing is ever good enough.
• You feel isolated and no longer see you friends and family either because they don’t like or approve of your partner or because your partner doesn’t want you to see them.
• You feel scared and are afraid for your health or safety.
• You’re always arguing.
• The lines of communication are closed and you don’t feel comfortable bringing up issues or problems.
• You’re constantly feeling sad, confused, frustrated or angry and rarely feel happy.
• You live in the past and fantasize about what they used to be like. You change who you are to please your partner, perhaps starting off with little things such as your hair, the way you dress, progressing on to bigger things, even changing your personality (or adopting the path of least resistance), and avoiding your friends to keep them happy.
• You don’t feel whole without them or think that you partner is responsible for your happiness.
• Last but not least, if your friends or family tell you that the guy you’re with is bad news, listen up! They know what’s good for you even if you’re too ‘in love’ to see it.