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working_it_out.jpgRelationship expert Katia Loisel-Furey responds to a question from a reader about her concern over her boyfriend’s partying ways…




Am I being un-reasonable? I am 30 weeks pregnant and live with my boyfriend. We have been together 10.5 months and we have a lot in common and get along great. However lately we have been having a lot of fights about him going out all the time. This is the only thing we have problems with, everything else is perfect. I dread the weekends and even end of the week because I can expect a txt an hour after he has finished work saying he is out or at a friends, he will be home soon blah blah, only he nearly always comes home drunk anywhere between 1:00am and 5:00am in the morning!

He goes out at the very least two nights a week, every week, and on weekends sometimes during the day right through to early hours next morning! Although he has slightly improved, I used to kick up a big fuss because he wouldn't tell me he was "out" until late at night when it was pretty obvious anyway, or he wouldn’t tell me at all. I don’t know what to do! I’m fed up, I understand time-out and spending time with friends is important but this is ridiculous. I feel he is acting more like an 18 year-old instead of a 27 year old! If his friends asked him to jump, he wouldn’t ask how high because he would have jumped the highest anyway! I am anxious if this behaviour will continue after baby is born, because it would be selfish behaviour and totally unfair on not only me but our baby. I am starting to have suspicions of him straying, and the only reason I have those thoughts is because he can disappear for hours on end and I don’t have any idea where he is. Help please?!

Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for your email and congratulations on your pregnancy, what an exciting time for you both. You are well within your rights to feel upset and frustrated at your current situation but your boyfriend may have other reasons for behaving the way he is (that have nothing to do with him wanting to run a mile) and venting your frustration may just make the situation worse. Now pregnant with my second child I understand how thrilling, scary and confusing pregnancy can be, with so many changes taking place with your body, emotions and life. With so much to deal with it can be easy to forget that it’s also a time of confusion, fear and pressure for our partner too, especially when the relationship is still relatively new.

The first few months of a relationship are usually a time for the two of you to bond, experiment, get to know one another and explore each other sexually and emotionally. A time of intense highs as the chemical cocktail of serotonin, dopamine and norepinepherine pump through your bodies makes it almost impossible for you to think about anything other than the one you’re with. Sleep, food, who needs it?! Unfortunately the chemical high only lasts a few months and when things go back to normal it can take a little getting used to, especially when a baby is thrown into the mix. In your situation you’ve gone straight from the infatuation period when the only thing you can and want to think about is your partner to being responsible for another human being. For your partner that means going from having you all to himself to having to share you. What a lot of us women aren’t told (myself included) is that many men find it hard to bond with the baby (or even get used to the idea that one is coming, and soon) until it arrives. Whilst you get to bond with your baby during the pregnancy for a lot guys the baby is just an idea (a very scary, life changing idea) and whilst the mum generally gets a lot of attention during this time sometimes we forget to ask the dad how he’s feeling.

Now that doesn’t excuse him going out to all hours of the night and coming home half tanked - and you deserve to feel loved and supported - but we don’t always act rationally when we’re scared or feeling under pressure. A lot of guys don’t talk about their problems, instead they bottle them up and vent their frustration by bonding with their mates any way they know how, and that may just mean going out and having a few. He may be feeling scared about having to support you and the baby financially, emotionally, whether he’ll be a good dad, his loss of freedom or whether he’s even ready (are we ever?).  If most of his friends are still childless or single and fancy free it will be even more difficult for him as he won’t have a support network.
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