Patience required...

A great deal of patience on the part of the bride is required in handling this situation.  If the bride and groom are paying for the entire wedding then they must be assertive yet very tactful.  Unfortunately, if the bride's parents are footing the bill then it's reasonable for them to want the right to a little input.  The bride's mother has probably been planning this event since her daughter was in diapers, and it's hard for her to understand that her daughter's dreams should be made the priority on this day.

If the bride and groom are throwing their own wedding, then they get the last say in how things are to be done.  It's a gracious gesture to try to accommodate the wishes of either mother.  Try to allow them as much input as you are comfortable with, but let them know that you expect them to respect your choices.

One of the best ways to deal with interference is to present a united front.  Do not allow either mother to drag the future spouse into the middle.  The right answer, when either mother expresses a strong expectation, is, 'Thank you.  Betty/John and I will give that very careful consideration.'  Do not participate in a tug of war.  Change the subject, and when you and your intended are alone, discuss the suggestion.  Again, try to work in their suggestions if at all possible.

Whenever possible, do ask for an opinion, especially if you have made a decision in other areas that doesn't sit well with one of the mothers.  Decide on things that she can do to help that don't involve decision-making.  Give her a list of errands and let her know how much you appreciate the help she is about to give.  Thank her again when she is finished.  It's good to let mothers feel wanted.

If you can do it, try to engage the mother in conversation.  Ask about her wedding and about the things she is feeling in regard to yours.  Often when a mother is feeling lonely and her empty nest is causing an ache in her heart, she will act out just a little to try to stay in the middle of things!  Knowing that you care about her feelings and that she isn't being dismissed can go a long way toward gaining her co-operation.

If the mother refuses to tone it down and is making tremendous waves, it's time for some stronger action.  Talk to a relative that you trust and whom you know the mother trusts.  See if this relative can intercede gently and get the mother to see what she is doing.  Talking to the mother's husband will probably be an exercise in futility, since he will have to live with her unhappiness day in and day out.  Speak very directly but kindly to the mother and ask that she be more respectful of your choices.

If all else fails, call in a family counselor.  Compromise where you can, but promise yourselves that you will have the wedding you are dreaming of.

Article by Rachel Goodchild

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