If one member of the couple seems to be growing away from the other, it can cause hurt feelings, a sense of impending abandonment, and frustration. Sometimes the wife will go back to college or the husband will move up in a company and become invested in his life there. We all change over the course of a lifetime, so it's not unusual for a spouse to change over time, but sometimes the commitment made on the wedding day isn't strong enough to withstand these changes. However, if a counsellor is consulted, there is a chance that by honest discussion and a renewed sense of focus a couple can avoid letting personal growth destroy the marriage.

Sometimes there are personal tragedies that cause a spouse to withdraw. If there has been a traumatic death in the family for the wife, she can become moody and impossible to reach in her suffering. She ceases to function as part of a whole. The remaining spouse is at a loss to cope with this emotional distance that seems to grow over time. It's hard not to take it personally when the one you love can no longer connect with you on a deeper level. Grief is difficult to handle and sometimes even the most loving of spouses simply cannot help the other. The emotionally abandoned spouse begins to feel a profound sense of loss over time and begins a grief process of his own. A counsellor can help both understand the steps of grief and offer ways for each to cope. A counsellor can also help the couple articulate reassurances to each other that the love is still there, and show them how to re-open communication that has shut down.

Sometimes marriage counselling is necessary when a couple's problems come from conflicting personalities and cannot be resolved between themselves. One may be terribly outgoing and the other a homebody. The outgoing spouse, who loves to socialise with others often, might find that his wife does not enjoy a whirlwind of parties. She may be very uncomfortable and unhappy with this extensive a social life. Compromises are called for, but when a couple have very strong personality traits that conflict it's not easy to reach a solution alone. A marriage counsellor can help each spouse set fair boundaries that allow for give and take, and an understanding of the emotional needs of the other.

Money is a large issue in marriages. Just as a couple can have differing social personalities, they can also have differing philosophies for saving or spending money, and these are usually deeply entrenched. Couples argue over money more often than anything else in their marriage, including sex. Finances can take on moral implications and cause value judgments in one who feels an obligation to save for the future rather than spend for today. When conflicts over money become intolerable, couples can meet with a counsellor who will help them devise a budget that is a fair compromise for both sides.

Counselling exists to help bridge the communication gap for couples. It can defuse emotional issues and offer rational and realistic solutions to problems that have gotten out of hand. It can also teach communication and negotiation skills to couples so that they don't get in over their heads quite so badly the next time conflicts arise.

Article by Rachel Goodchild

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