Your first line of defence is to create strong and loving bonds with your husband, and read up on assertiveness. Be sure that your self-esteem doesn't hinge on the opinions of your in-laws. And be honest with yourself. Are you being over-sensitive? Does a natural dislike of them cause you to take offense more readily? Are you jealous of your spouse's affection for his family? Only by being completely honest with yourself can you get to the root of some in-law problems.

Does your husband routinely take the side of his family over you? Talk to him about this, using sentences that begin with 'I feel' rather than 'you do this/that' so that he won't become defensive. Ask him if you can make a marriage pact to consider the feelings and wishes of each other when dealing with in-laws. See if he is willing to promise to consult with you before any proposed plans are accepted. Request that you face any and all contingencies together, and ask that issues in your marriage remain private matters.

Try to compromise on time spent with the in-laws. If you feel he is dragging you into their company more than you wish, let him know that while he is free to visit with them, you sometimes care to choose other activities in your free time. For his sake, however, try to present your marriage as a united front. If you feel he spends too much time with your in-laws let him know that you want more time with him alone. If he is close to his family, it will be foolish to try to get him to ignore them.

Holidays are one of the worst times for being pulled apart by in-laws. Talk about this before it becomes an issue. Again, agree never to make plans or accept plans without consulting each other. Try to be fair about time spent with family on either side, but if compromise becomes impossible or an in-law throws a tantrum in regard to your decisions as a couple, then decline their invitations entirely. Be honest by telling them that you feel pulled in two directions, but also be assertive by telling them when your free time is and accepting what you can during that time. If they make your visit uncomfortable, decline the next invitation and tell them why, tactfully.

Don't damage your case by using your husband's love for you against his family or he will feel manipulated, and rightly so. Don't ask or expect him to abandon them completely. Honour the fact that he does love them. Ask him to help you deal with problems concerning them and let him know that you need him to speak up if you are being mistreated by anyone in his family. He should not allow any member of his family to speak ill of you or cast aspersions on your character. He will need to learn to be assertive as well if he finds it hard to confront his family. Face this problem together as a team, and resist the urge to lash out at him. Emotional investment is a gift. Try not to allow the utterances or actions of others to get to you. Rise above as much as you possibly can.

By Rachel Goodchild

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