Perhaps one has work that needs to be done in their Excel program for a community service project, or the other must do some important research for work. Maybe the wife wants to look for some recipes or visit a forum to discuss parenting. The husband could be using the computer to stay abreast of sports scores.

Sometimes internet usage takes on a far more serious aspect.  Some will get involved in online interactive games and spend hours in pursuit of gaining the next level or accruing certain valuable items.  It's not unusual for one person in the couple to become addicted to the internet, robbing the couple of precious together time.  Gamer addicts are far more often male, and the obsession can become so severe that every waking, non-working hour is spent in front of the computer. This has become so common that a new name has been coined for their attention starved partners, 'Gamer Widows'.

Women, on the other hand, are more likely to become addicted to message boards and chat rooms, investing large amounts of time and emotional energy into them as if they were a parallel social life.  Sadly, all too often, this is their only social life.  And then there are those who use the internet for illicit sexual purposes, seeking pornography or getting caught up in emotional affairs.

Whenever the computer and internet first become problematic in a relationship is the time to agree on boundaries so that things don't progress to the point of no return.  Like anything in a relationship, communication is key, and both partners must want to place each other as a priority.

One of the problems is, it's easy for time to pass when you are engrossed in something interesting, and often the user doesn't have any idea that much time has passed.  When devising computer rules, setting time limits is a good place to start.  Even the use of a wind-up kitchen timer can help keep track of computer time.  Downloads are available on the internet that will place an alarm clock on the desktop.

If willpower and timers aren't enough, try scheduling important 'together' activities so that it's harder for either partner to make excuses and stay online.  If he has something of value to accomplish and someone with whom to accomplish it, boredom won't drive him back to the computer.  Try staying off the computer on certain days if this is possible and take note of the reaction.  For some, leaving the computer for lengths of time can cause uneasiness that is akin to a withdrawal.  If the symptoms are severe, then counseling is going to be necessary to get over the computer compulsion.

The computer can provide needed research information and healthy entertainment if care is taken to avoid the pitfalls of shared computers.  A partner has every reason to feel neglected and rejected when the one they love uses the computer as an escape from the relationship, and seems to care more for their computer than the partner.  Working out a reasonable compromise and agreeing on a schedule of computer use can be a tool for accountability for those addicted to the internet.

A set schedule can also offer non-negotiable rules for those who must share one computer in pursuit of their interests, so that there will never again be any moment-to-moment negotiations to decide who gets to use the computer and when.

Article by Rachel Goodchild

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