As a loyal friend it’s hard to stand by and watch as someone you care about makes life decisions that end up causing her pain. You feel that your perspective could help, if only she would listen to you. How can you help your friend without alienating her?

Remember the importance of being a good listener…

Listen to her carefully when she unburdens her heart.  One of the best things we can do for those we love is to provide an ear so that they know they are being heard and are not alone. Loneliness leads to despair, and no one can make good decisions under those circumstances. Lend her your strength by lending her your ear.

Listen to her reasoning and ask questions gently – leaving out your opinion.  Rather than tell her what you think she should do at first, ask her what she thinks her options might be.  She could be so caught up in her own drama that she feels she has lost the freedom to make choices.  Let her think about the different ways that a situation like hers could be handled, and then talk about each one.  Keep listening more than talking for now.  She will feel empowered if she has the chance to discover solutions by herself.

That empowerment can soon become disaster, if her problem, however, is that she makes poor choices.  If she makes a poor decision, ask her what she thinks the pros and cons are.  If she can’t see any cons, suggest one and ask her if she thinks that’s a possible outcome and what she might do to avoid it or deal with it.  Remain objective and let her do the thinking for now.  In the long run she may actually be able to make good decisions but just needs to see her options with a clear eye.

Discuss the options together…

Express your faith in her that she can come up with good solutions once she has thought things through rationally.  You are not her counselor, but as her friend you can subtly guide her in safe and wise directions.  If you think of a good choice that hasn’t occurred to her, suggest it tactfully.  Begin with words such as “Have you considered doing so-and-so” or “What about x-y-or-z?”  Once you do, sit back and let her talk about how she feels about them.  Again, ask her what she thinks the pros and cons might be, and if you can think of any, offer those to her as well.

If you’ve already been there…
When you have life experience in a given situation, let her know that you have faced this problem in the past.  You will have the benefit of hindsight, and can share what you went through and tell her the solutions you tried as well as the ones you wished you had tried!  Let her know why you think it was a good or bad decision.  Admit to making poor choices. Honesty of this kind will help her to see that you are not being judgmental.

Be there for her…

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