Do you think conversation is a dying art?
Sadly, I do think that. Our new technological communications – much as I love them and use them – they are not the same as a face to face communication and they are not balanced because what we’re doing is ‘messaging’ rather than actually ‘conversing’ with people face to face. On that old TV show Friends at the end of the day everyone sat down and talked about their day. I don’t know if that actually happens anymore and I think it should. Conversation and sitting around chatting is at the very end of a list of what you would do. The lines of communication have to be maintained by people just as phone lines are maintained by a tele-communications company.

Oscar Wilde once said, “Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” But talking about the weather is such a common ice-breaker. How would you start a conversation?
Well, I absolutely agree with Oscar! It depends on the person and the situation you are in as to how you start a conversation. Something a little out of the ordinary can be better because it gets you rapport more quickly than weather/politics/work etc. Something that is not too prying or personal but just a little left field can be good.

People often say they ‘hate making small talk’ but you can’t go right to ‘big talk’ or can you?
There’s a difference between ‘trivial’ and small. TAOC comes in a little box but it’s not a small game. I think of ‘small talk’ as being trivial talk about the weather or what you do or the car you drive. Without being nosy I think you can ask people questions that help people have better conversations and learn about other people. It’s about making better connections. If you are asking about someone personally – their interests and their emotions then it’s never trivial.

If you walk into a room by yourself and it’s full of people who seem to know each other, what is the next step to starting a conversation?
Mentally I’d turn around and run away! It’s fight or flight mechanism really! (Laughs) Ok, that’s a tough situation but I think you need to make eye contact with someone and look for a friendly face, then bowl on up and confess that you are there alone and don’t know anyone. Once I went to a Rolling Stones concert by myself in Canada after a convention. I was with a group of older ladies and there were some ticket scalpers on the street so I handed the ladies my handbag and took off.  When I got there this lovely girl put her hand out and said “Are you here by yourself?” and then invited me to hang with her friends and she was just beautiful – that was a kind thing to do.

So you can learn a lot about people through TAOC?
Yes, like one of the questions in the game is: “What would you stop doing if you won a lot of money?” – Most people ask what would you ‘do’ but there’s a lot to be learned the other way as well. It’s interesting what you find out about people when you ask them these questions and how that may help your relationship with them further down the track.  

But the art of conversation is also about listening too isn’t it?
Absolutely, and it’s more than just being quiet while they talk – a good conversationalist is an active listener who might also be thinking of something relevant to say, an interesting question or a funny comment. Listening with empathy is a really important conversational skill. For most people it’s easier to prattle on than it is to listen.

What rewarding stories have you heard people say from playing ‘The Art of Conversation’?
Educators, rehab facilitators and dating agencies have all picked it up to help people communicate. We’ve had a lot of counsellors buy the game as well and I can’t tell you how many people have said it’s saved their marriage! It’s probably helped save mine, because it allows you to be open with your partner. One woman told me that is has made the family a different place for her to be as between her four sons and her husband all they did was talk about sport and the game helped them open up about other things and get her involved in the conversation. People who have suffered from depression have been greatly helped by this game as well as they feel more understood when they get to explain themselves. It’s been useful for people coming out of mental illness rehab as a means of getting their social skills up to standard. It’s difficult for those people to go to the shop and buy a paper, so this game has been really effective for helping them.

There is also a children’s’ version of the game which has been great for kids because they don’t really learn social skills at school, so it’s seen as an educational tool and it also contains a 16-page booklet that teaches social skills for children.

The end result of the game is bonding and the maintenance of good communication lines, which can hold you in great stead down the line.
If you want to have a good, cool conversation with your kids, your parents, your grandparents this is great for facilitating family communication.

With thanks to Louise Howland
The Art of Conversation is available from all good book stores. $19.95

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